One of Max's favorite things to do lately is play pretend. Mostly he's a cow, in a cage, which is really Penny's crib. Sometimes he plays hocus pocus and uses a towel to magically turn things into other things. He mostly turns Penny into a pumpkin. Sometimes he also pretends he's a dog and likes to lick people, and sometimes our bed is a stage and we have to announce him and then turn on the lights and he'll play you a song on his guitar.
But today I realized most days I still feel like I'm pretending to play house, kinda like I really can't be this old and have two (2!) kids that I am responsible for. And instead I'm back in college and still unsure of what I am and who I'm supposed to be. Like I might wake up and this has all been a very freakishly vivid dream.
Tonight I had coffee with a new and awesome friend. And I realized I didn't know how long we've lived here. It's been long enough that I stopped counting. I'm not dreaming and I'm not going to wake up and find myself living back in Swiss Tower in that little bubble of wonderfullness that was Dallas Seminary. Or back in Morrill Tower (I've lived in a lot of towers) with the Humanities Scholars- again a bubble of wonderfullness- This is my life and it's all still about figuring out who I am and trying to come up with what I'm doing and mostly right now it has to do with laundry and asking a certain person if they have to go potty four thousand times a day. It's a reality that I know won't last forever, but sometimes I still feel like I'm playing pretend.
Like tonight when I undercooked the bread, and burnt the potatoes and the french toast tasted awful even though Max and Adam ate it anyway. I felt like I was playing pretend and was way out of my league. Even though it's a dinner I've made at least a dozen times. Some days we float around the house and Max helps pick up and I get something decently cleaned and we are all smiling at the end of the day. And others are like tonight where I put the baby to sleep and happily say goodbye and leave the house as quickly as possible to escape the reality of it all.
I mostly my life- real or pretend as it may be. My favorite part is when Max plays a song for me.