The reason I chose the "boing" sound is I have been bouncing all over the place lately. Also, this is due to be a random blog that doesn't have any cohesion to it at all.
Adam has been reading my blog, but I suspect he's only waiting for an apology for the ferris wheel conversation. So honey, I'm sorrry if I painted you in a foul light. But he was highly vindicated by the fact that multiple other people thought the same thing. Thanks, other people.
I had my monthly book club last night. And I must admit that even when we really don't care for the book I still always have such a wonderful time. It's amazing. I was telling Adam that I wouldn't have "picked" these people for a book club, but when we are together it feeds my soul in a way I cannot clearly explain. It's wonderful to have Christian women with different lives, experiences, and expectations, be able to enjoy fellowship in that way. I dearly treasure the time I spend with these three women. Especially Char's story about her 70 year old mom reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. Now that's classic.
Things that really annoy me: being told what to do, and the unknown. Not knowing what's going on really irks me deep down. That's why a number of things happen to me all the time. Like getting lost, if I don't know my way, I convince myself I do. When I was little I was the kid who always said, "How long until we are there?" instead of "Are we there yet?" I also HATE surprises. Then last but not least, I'm a planner. I keep my calendar with me almost all the time, if I don't have it I feel a little lost, and I refer to it about 200 times a day.
So why care to write about this? Adam brought to my attention the day before last that he is scheduling his fall schedule for next year, and I thought to myself. Oh no, that's his last fall here, and we don't know what the crap we are going to do when we are done. Which essientially led me into an internal shame spiral about where we are going after seminary.
It's about a year away. The moment we've been striving and sacrificing for now for three very long and arduous years. It's kinda like going up a big rollercoaster hill and going over the top and your about half way down the hill when you look at the bottom of the hill. There's not a brick wall there so you know you won't crash, you know there's still track because it doesn't just stop, but there's this tunnel, you can see that the tunnel eventually comes out on the other end (for my purposes, Heaven), but you don't know what's inside that tunnel. It could be dark and scary or it could be like the "It's a Small World" ride at Disney World; all fun and music with exciting people. But the whole anxiety is based on not knowing what's inside the tunnel. So for now I just have to trust (and trust I do) that everything will work out. I have to trust not on my own understanding but a little bit of the understanding of Adam, and the rest is God's thing.
Until then, I'm sick of being status quo in this place where we are. This place of uncertainty and transition. I know, this comment and the one above tend to sound contrasting. This morning I was driving to work and heard Nicole Nordeman's Brave on the radio. That song always makes me smile and sing along. But I was thinking of the lyrics and how the desire of my heart is really to be brave. Most of everything I want, worry about, and do comes down to insecurities and that's a huge problem. I want to be brave enough to do what I'm supposed to do, what God wants me to do with my life. Sometimes I'm just too afraid to speak up or too afraid to try something, but then I remember that my faith is what makes me free to do so many things. Sometimes I choose the path of compromise, and I don't want to do that.
(Nichole Nordeman, Jay Joyce)
The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound and
Until now, it's where I've been
'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, your love, that cuts the strings
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say your name
Just your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall
Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?
I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me, that changes everything